I have recently been diagnosed as having high-functioning ASD, what used to be called Aspergerâs. It is helpful, as I approach 60, to understand why relationships, social situations and oral communications are so challenging for me, particularly in the work context.
But many seem to express the view that âeverybody has a diagnosis these daysâ. Others remain discriminatory, so at this stage Iâve only told one person â a friend in the UK (herself diagnosed as bipolar). Do I tell a manager at work? My teenage children? My partner?
Eleanor says: It wasnât until very late in my life that I realised keeping things private is not the same as keeping them secret. I think itâs easy to forget that, especially when it comes to mental health, where the value of âtelling your storyâ is so well-publicised and the value of being private is â necessarily â invisible.
My sister and I are creatives marooned in the family home. Our parents want us to get real jobs | Leading questions Read moreItâs natural to want to share our mental life. Talking takes a private, ephemeral experience and transforms it into something other people can see. Itâs a way to get confirmation of what weâre inclined to doubt: that weâll be OK, that whatâs happening to us matters. When that works, it really works â in a conversation about the mind, a good interlocutor can make you feel like a gong that has not been struck until now.
But not everyoneâs a good interlocutor. Most of us are pretty woeful. Not because we mean to, or because weâre mean, but because weâre not trained in what to say: weâre cliched; we project; we canât tell in advance which well-meant platitudes will work and which form a barb that burrows into the other personâs mind. This can be terribly damaging, both for you, who might feel isolated and stung, and for your relationship with the other person, which can easily curdle in the resulting disappointment.
You donât need to expose yourself to that possibility until you really feel ready. A hazard of our confessional culture is that we risk wearing our suffering on a badge â as though disclosing it is the only way to purchase legitimacy for our preferences. But you know your own experience, and youâre learning what helps: there is a nice feeling of straight-backed self-reliance in deciding that those things are legitimate with or without other peopleâs recognition. You can give yourself the feeling of acknowledgment that talking to others was meant to provide.
Thatâs especially true in the time just after diagnosis. For the next little period youâll be rewriting what you know of your mind and your memories, and sometimes that means trying things out to see what sticks. You might find some terms or practices helpful now, but outgrow them in six monthsâ time. You might feel a rush of resonance in which everything seems explicable, and then find in a while that some mysteries remain. Youâre allowed to develop (and settle) your relationship to this discovery before you let other people weigh in with theirs.
Of course, you can tell whoever youâd like. Close family and partners will feel slighted if you donât tell them eventually, and if youâre lucky they will be wonderful travelling companions whoâll share a ginger beer and want to hear what youâve learned. All I want to stress is that you donât have to share right now for the sake of having shared â the goal should be whatever sharing brings you. If you arenât confident just now of what that goal is, you can decide to be private instead. Learning your own mind is a very long journey â you donât have to take on passengers until youâre ready.
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